Tag: relationship

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Clarity and Late Nights

The power of thought at night is clarity

Reality is here.

I know that in one of my past blogs, I mentioned being separated from my husband and willing to fight for our marriage. Well, things have changed. I was under the impression that both of us would be “working” towards repairing our marriage but, I was wrong.

It seems that he, the husband is not willing to put in the work, in this case, attend counseling sessions or even try to change some of his negative behaviors. Basically, I am aware that he would change temporarily but not permanently. And I need more than a season, I need life commitment.

There are many reasons a marriage may not last. Lack of communication and commitment are two major reasons. In addition to that, we need trust and loyalty. I had overlooked some of his toxic behaviors because I genuinely thought (fool that I am) that I would change them, that I could be the one to shine a light into him and help him become a better partner. Let me tell you, it does not work. You may be there to emotionally support your spouse day in and day out but nothing will truly change, all that will happen is that he/she will take more from you. In time, your own light diminishes, and your own goals get pushed to the back of your head.

This author has come to the sad and very real conclusion that, no matter how much one loves, or invests in a relationship, the other party has to be equally active in attempting to make things work.

A relationship is not made of one, its consists of two willing individuals trying to do right by each other.

If you are in a one-way relationship, you may want to re-evaluate your position and determine if it is healthy to stay where you are. Live life for you, not for your spouse. We will never change a person who does not want to change. That is the bottom line.

Til next time, do what is best for you. Do not harm others and be positive. 

MJ Jones

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When a Book Gets Too Close to Home

” We are the children left behind, We are survivors, We are the children of Divorce” -Mj Jones

I will begin by saying that I am blessed to have the option and opportunity to work from home. Because I work from home and not attached to a headset, I have the privilege of being able to listen to audiobooks. I have always loved books, from a young age I was destined to be a bookworm. Even after my parents divorce, I distinctly remember my daddy putting me to bed with a bedtime story. Back then, we had encyclopedias and ours was full of children stories (I’m giving away my age). It was moments like this that I have treasured and because of moments like this that I was never able to hate my father for living my mother, us, our family.

You might be wondering what am I getting at right? Well, the book I am currently listening to, speaks of divorce and the damage it does to children. It speaks of the sad situations in which children are often tossed into it, and how parents’ words affect and shape children and their minds. Our family was no different. Arguments happened. They happened for a while, until my dad got remarried and pretty much stopped seeing us (how odd right?). For many years, I resented my father and after long while, I forgot about him.

This book has revived some painful memories and brought out a little sadness out, I keep thinking of the ordeal that my younger brother, sister and I had to endure as children. There’s nothing I can do about those days but I can choose to move past it and look for the positivity in my childhood. The main character has been influenced by her mom to hate her father and to take on the divorce as if she was part of it, as if she and her mother were a package that her father got rid of. She fails to see that the divorce was not between her and her dad but her parents alone. And this is precisely why I feel triggered, I can recognize that although my parents divorce was not the most pleasant and they were not nice to each other, they never made us choose a side.

Fast forward to the present, in my life I can say I am glad that technology has come a long way and we know have plenty of ways to communicate. My father lives in a different country and with apps like Facebook and WhatsApp, talking to people far from us has never been easier. We no longer have to worry about long distance phone call charges (yes, I am this old). With technology facilitating communication, I decided to try and get close to my dad and perhaps mend our relationship. It has been a few years since we have started talking again and although at times it feels weird, we have made some progress. Today my parents are cordial to each other, perhaps it’s the fact that they have aged or that they are tired and no longer bitter about their divorce? No one really knows, I am just glad they are better now. Wisdom apparently does come with age.

The reason i wrote this post is to let others know that time heals all wounds, and although we can never get rid of the sad memories or change what was, we can choose to look at life with a positive eye and look for the hidden lessons amidst the pain. Hope you enjoyed my short post, thank you for reading.

MJ Jones

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Warm Rain During Winter & my Crappy Mood

Good grief! This weather is driving me nuts. It has me feeling emotional and depressed.

We all know that one of the things that brightens our days is well, daylight. Sunlight more specifically. I need sunny days to feel better and right now, the weather is just not my friend. I know I sound petulant but if you suffer or have ever suffered from depression then you understand where I’m coming from, right now at this moment I wish I could clear the clouds and let the sunrays through. Literally.

With the recent changes in my life and relationship, the last thing I need is to feel down or withdrawn. Yesterday I pushed through it but today, I just gave up. Its too much. I find myself battling anger and tears and frustration. I am upset about everything and nothing. I am fully aware that this is temporary but it sucks. I have no desire or energy to do a single thing.

Thankfully, I managed to finish my homework earlier today and just in time because if I had waited to do my homework “later” I would be screwed right now. I suppose my mind knew this was coming and somehow convinced me to get ahead of the game. Glad I listened to my brain.

Now, I am not down in a way that may worry people around me, no. I am just feeling way off and not right. It will pass but in the meantime I feel trapped in my head with myself and whatever emotions I have been bottling up for weeks. And trust me, its a lot to deal with at the moment.

While I do love winter and its grey days, this rain just throws me off. Plus, its not even really cold so I think that’s another reason why its just not working for me. Its grey, wet and somewhat warmish. Its yucky and just nasty. Can the day just be over? Let’s just start a new one already.

Anyways, I am going to try and get some exercise in, I feel that it just may help my mood (Endorphins and all that). I will do a quick workout, take a bath (not a shower) with my favorite bath bombs and bath bars and just let my mind calm down. I should also read a book while drinking a hot cuppa.

Thanks for reading my post and hope your day is going better than mine, truly. Take care and remember to do the things that make you happy.

“To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance” Oscar Wilde

MJ Jones

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With or Without

Feeling broken after a marriage separation is ok

Well, last night was tough.

I literally had a breakdown while trying to wrap a few presents for my adult children. I was in a good mood or at least I thought so, little did I know that the gift wrapping and christmas music would be my undoing.

As I have mentioned before, my marriage is not doing well and its been a hard last few weeks. I am trying to stay positive and still can’t manage it. I love my husband and leaving our marriage was a hard decision but a necessary one. Our fights were becoming more frequent and over simple issues. I was feeling unappreciated and taken for granted. So I left.

However, this has been a tough pill to swallow. Even though I am aware that this change was needed it still hurts. And it hurts terribly. I do hope he seeks therapy, so that he can fix his issues and possibly fix our marriage.

We are blessed to be able to communicate and still spend time with each other with out fighting. There’s no animosity just pain, from both sides. I know he hurts for the loss of our marriage and hope he will find help and put the work into fixing himself while I do the same. We both need professional help.

Last night though, I felt so empty and almost like I was in mourning. I felt a huge sense of loss and despair. I was angry and feeling defeated because this situation was not what I had planned for, especially right before the holidays. I got in the shower and cried it out. I felt my heart breaking and physically hurting from the pain. I was a mess.

And thats another thing I have to acknowledge; my pain. It is ok to feel this bad after a marriage separation. No one gets married thinking that they will divorce. No one. So this is very hard to deal with, especially because I love him and I know he loves me.

So, we will try to get help and gets this mess sorted out but in the meantime I will allow myself to feel, to cry and to plan for tomorrow. With or without him. I pray my life makes a turn for the better and soon. Take care.

MJ Jones

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When Tomorrow Comes

Set up a plan and goals

Good evening. Another day working on my future.

If you read my previous blog then you know Im in the process of ending my marriage. Everyday has been hard, I feel like a zombie of sorts. Not the kind that eats humans but the kind that just walks around wondering the wilderness. I of course, dont live in the wilderness but you get the point. Needless to say, even though my life is currently upside down I am happy to announce that I may have found a new place of residence.

If you’ve ever been in my shoes then you know how awesome this truly is, because that’s one less thing to worry about: shelter. Next is to have a second job. Maybe a short part time to help me build up my savings before I dive into school again.

One thing that truly sucks is that all of this is happening right before the holidays. This is my favorite season and here I am now, at my parents and pulling my hair trying to figure out my next step every ten minutes.

In addition to this, I am hurt and emotionally unstable. Ending a marriage is not easy. I know my soon to be exhusband loves me and I him but living like cats and dogs is just not healthy. The good days were great but the bad days were very bad. And in time, I think the bad outweighed the good. It hurts terribly. I will not bash him here and say that Im happy, blah blah. I am not happy about it. It is debilitating and the pain weighs down my heart.

Walking away was not easy but I do think that staying would have eventually led us to hate each other and that I won’t have. I’d rather finish it in an amicable way. I want to be able to bump into him and say hello and be happy for him. And hope he feels the same towards me.

I hope tomorrow is better than today and I hope tomorrow helps me heal. I hope to set and achieve my goals. I hope for a better me in the future. And I hope for his happiness and health as well.

Good night. Take care.

Luv,

MJ Jones

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Marriage no Longer.

Photo by Jan Koetsier on Pexels.com

Good evening. Covid has really done a number on us huh? To some it has created chaos and to the rest of us, it has brought out hidden feelings and uncomfortable memories. It seems to me that this pandemic has brought us quarantine but it also has brought divorce.

True, divorce is hardly the worst that the pandemic has brought us but it still hurts. It seems that been in close proximity for extended periods of time with our loved ones has created issues. Tempers flare and for those of us that had already been struggling with “weathering the storm” or ” carefully avoiding arguments”, the close space has pushed us over the edge.

What I mean is, in my case my relationship was already fragile. Him with a hot temper, me with an over sensitive nature. At least, that’s what he said. Anyways, we finally had it out and we are done with trying to hold on to this marriage. My question is; Why does it hurt so? I know that this is the best thing for both of us but why is still aching? How exactly does one move on without wondering if the other is hurting? Should we care? These are just a few questions that I will be going over with my therapist. Yes, I will be hiring a therapist to help me untangle my emotions.

I have had therapy before, and ironically I began therapy then because of this relationship. Now, 10 years later here I am again. Should I have left long ago? Have I been holding to an impossible dream? Why did I hold on to it? I know I sound repetitive and lame but I cant help to wonder about my lack of common sense. Perhaps love takes over and one simply hopes that all the pieces of the puzzle will fall into place. Not realizing that the puzzle may have been missing a few pieces from the get-go.

But there is light at the end of my tunnel because I know, deep down in my heart that I have goals to accomplish and that my life has to keep moving. Like a river that barely has water and yet, it manages to reach impossible places. I have to refocus on my own journey, on my career and on furthering my education. I am no spring chicken so time is of the essence. I don’t have to time to feel sorry for myself. My therapist will be in charge of making sure I am healing and staying focused on my own well being without me actually thinking about it. That’s the beauty of therapy. That’s how it works,

With this, I bid you good night. I can’t think of much more to write tonight. I have been making it from one day to the next on auto-pilot. And, if you are in a similar situation just know that life goes on and while our hearts hurt, we always have tomorrow to make things better. We are strong, we humans, Men and women hurt when a marriage is over so don’t be embarrassed to acknowledge your feelings, just don’t let them take over you. We are meant to be resilient so don’t you give up and don’t you sit there crying for days. Buck up, make a plan. Set up a few goals, and focus on making it one day at a time. Right now, its about you taking care of you.

Take care,

MJ Jones