Tag: separation

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Clarity and Late Nights

The power of thought at night is clarity

Reality is here.

I know that in one of my past blogs, I mentioned being separated from my husband and willing to fight for our marriage. Well, things have changed. I was under the impression that both of us would be “working” towards repairing our marriage but, I was wrong.

It seems that he, the husband is not willing to put in the work, in this case, attend counseling sessions or even try to change some of his negative behaviors. Basically, I am aware that he would change temporarily but not permanently. And I need more than a season, I need life commitment.

There are many reasons a marriage may not last. Lack of communication and commitment are two major reasons. In addition to that, we need trust and loyalty. I had overlooked some of his toxic behaviors because I genuinely thought (fool that I am) that I would change them, that I could be the one to shine a light into him and help him become a better partner. Let me tell you, it does not work. You may be there to emotionally support your spouse day in and day out but nothing will truly change, all that will happen is that he/she will take more from you. In time, your own light diminishes, and your own goals get pushed to the back of your head.

This author has come to the sad and very real conclusion that, no matter how much one loves, or invests in a relationship, the other party has to be equally active in attempting to make things work.

A relationship is not made of one, its consists of two willing individuals trying to do right by each other.

If you are in a one-way relationship, you may want to re-evaluate your position and determine if it is healthy to stay where you are. Live life for you, not for your spouse. We will never change a person who does not want to change. That is the bottom line.

Til next time, do what is best for you. Do not harm others and be positive. 

MJ Jones

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When Tomorrow Comes

Set up a plan and goals

Good evening. Another day working on my future.

If you read my previous blog then you know Im in the process of ending my marriage. Everyday has been hard, I feel like a zombie of sorts. Not the kind that eats humans but the kind that just walks around wondering the wilderness. I of course, dont live in the wilderness but you get the point. Needless to say, even though my life is currently upside down I am happy to announce that I may have found a new place of residence.

If you’ve ever been in my shoes then you know how awesome this truly is, because that’s one less thing to worry about: shelter. Next is to have a second job. Maybe a short part time to help me build up my savings before I dive into school again.

One thing that truly sucks is that all of this is happening right before the holidays. This is my favorite season and here I am now, at my parents and pulling my hair trying to figure out my next step every ten minutes.

In addition to this, I am hurt and emotionally unstable. Ending a marriage is not easy. I know my soon to be exhusband loves me and I him but living like cats and dogs is just not healthy. The good days were great but the bad days were very bad. And in time, I think the bad outweighed the good. It hurts terribly. I will not bash him here and say that Im happy, blah blah. I am not happy about it. It is debilitating and the pain weighs down my heart.

Walking away was not easy but I do think that staying would have eventually led us to hate each other and that I won’t have. I’d rather finish it in an amicable way. I want to be able to bump into him and say hello and be happy for him. And hope he feels the same towards me.

I hope tomorrow is better than today and I hope tomorrow helps me heal. I hope to set and achieve my goals. I hope for a better me in the future. And I hope for his happiness and health as well.

Good night. Take care.

Luv,

MJ Jones

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Marriage no Longer.

Photo by Jan Koetsier on Pexels.com

Good evening. Covid has really done a number on us huh? To some it has created chaos and to the rest of us, it has brought out hidden feelings and uncomfortable memories. It seems to me that this pandemic has brought us quarantine but it also has brought divorce.

True, divorce is hardly the worst that the pandemic has brought us but it still hurts. It seems that been in close proximity for extended periods of time with our loved ones has created issues. Tempers flare and for those of us that had already been struggling with “weathering the storm” or ” carefully avoiding arguments”, the close space has pushed us over the edge.

What I mean is, in my case my relationship was already fragile. Him with a hot temper, me with an over sensitive nature. At least, that’s what he said. Anyways, we finally had it out and we are done with trying to hold on to this marriage. My question is; Why does it hurt so? I know that this is the best thing for both of us but why is still aching? How exactly does one move on without wondering if the other is hurting? Should we care? These are just a few questions that I will be going over with my therapist. Yes, I will be hiring a therapist to help me untangle my emotions.

I have had therapy before, and ironically I began therapy then because of this relationship. Now, 10 years later here I am again. Should I have left long ago? Have I been holding to an impossible dream? Why did I hold on to it? I know I sound repetitive and lame but I cant help to wonder about my lack of common sense. Perhaps love takes over and one simply hopes that all the pieces of the puzzle will fall into place. Not realizing that the puzzle may have been missing a few pieces from the get-go.

But there is light at the end of my tunnel because I know, deep down in my heart that I have goals to accomplish and that my life has to keep moving. Like a river that barely has water and yet, it manages to reach impossible places. I have to refocus on my own journey, on my career and on furthering my education. I am no spring chicken so time is of the essence. I don’t have to time to feel sorry for myself. My therapist will be in charge of making sure I am healing and staying focused on my own well being without me actually thinking about it. That’s the beauty of therapy. That’s how it works,

With this, I bid you good night. I can’t think of much more to write tonight. I have been making it from one day to the next on auto-pilot. And, if you are in a similar situation just know that life goes on and while our hearts hurt, we always have tomorrow to make things better. We are strong, we humans, Men and women hurt when a marriage is over so don’t be embarrassed to acknowledge your feelings, just don’t let them take over you. We are meant to be resilient so don’t you give up and don’t you sit there crying for days. Buck up, make a plan. Set up a few goals, and focus on making it one day at a time. Right now, its about you taking care of you.

Take care,

MJ Jones